Provo residents report an increasing struggle to stay for the 2nd hour block of church. In light of this decreasing attendance, Provo 2846th ward knew they had to step up and make a change. That’s why they called Derrick, the least charismatic person within ward boundaries, as sole Sunday school teacher.

“He was the perfect fit. His voice drones on like a dying air conditioning unit. He has no interests or hobbies. He’s physically incapable of making facial expressions. It’s almost like he’s been socialized by dust,” said Bishop Bore.

2846th ward members recount their experiences being held captive for an hour in the clutches of Derrick the Torture Artist.

“For a moment I swear I saw a flicker of personality, but then I realized it was just a draft,” said Whitney White, who desperately wanted to give Derrick the benefit of the doubt.

“I just feel for the guy. You can tell he didn’t wish this upon himself,” said Hon East, an empath.

Contrary to the ward leadership’s intentions, 2nd hour retention rates have fallen 47% since calling Derrick.

“Must be some sort of inexplicable coincidence,” said Oliver Shmoliver, 2nd councilor and no-good loony bastard.

After what is shaping out to seem like a failed plan, questions still remain. Will wards eventually find an effective way to increase 2nd hour attendance? Was Derrick really raised by dust? Who were his dust parents?

Perhaps only time will tell.