On the morning of April 6, 2024, at precisely 10:31 AM, brother Jared B. Larsen gave the audit report at the Saturday morning session of General Conference. Unbeknownst to  higher-ups, however, his report contained the secret to eternal life, coded in the language of boring financial jargon.

“I couldn’t believe what I was hearing,” Russell M. Nelson, watching from home, said. “It’s lowkey clutch I wasn’t there in person, because I highkey screamed.”

Indeed, it seems as though Larsen’s revelation has gone wholly unnoticed by the membership at large, who collectively got up to get another cinnamon roll during the report. Our reporters took to the streets of Provo to ask if the community was aware of his immortal-ian slip.

Riley Romney, a freshman, said, “What do you mean? I just heard that old guy talking about numbers and crap.”

Ephraim E. Ephraimson, a student in the accounting department, took a different approach. “What the heck is the audit report?”