In BYU’s latest efforts to monitor on-campus travel, leaders have decided to combine forces with the Missionary Department to install Tiwi systems (A GPS-enabled device that will allow authorities to monitor students’ driving activity) on scooters found on campus. 

Says campus representative Jessica Robb, “I think campus scooter riders deserve both the embarrassment and the missionary PTSD for zooming around the Wilk like they’re in a NASCAR race.”

Matt Andrus, BYU chief of police states, “We were going to try and install the Tiwis on the bikes and skateboards too, but we had to tackle the greatest evil first, you know?” 

A representative from the Missionary Department has illustrated the impact of this implementation for BYU students in the following POV:

“Picture this: It’s 8:45 in the morning. You’re walking to your 9 am halfway across campus trying desperately to find the motivation to take on another day in BYU academia. You’re knees deep in homework and you have 12 midterms due at midnight. As you walk you begin to hear something. As the sound grows you begin to feel some sort of presence rushing at you from behind. Is it the culmination of your dread come to completely overwhelm you? No, it can’t be. It’s something far worse. 

All at once you feel an immense measure of shock, fear, and rage as a fellow student zooms past you on an electric scooter, nearly grazing your ear. You have been disrespected. Mocked. Violated. Then, suddenly you hear the voice of your avenger–a Tiwi system from the missionary department screeching out ‘CHECK YOUR SPEED.’”