Campus-Crossed Lovers: Helaman Resident Falls for Heritage Resident

Two halls, both alike in indignity, opposite in all aspects save each one’s distaste for the other–on the grounds of northern BYU campus we lay our scene: an unsuspecting freshman of Helaman Halls fallen hopelessly in love with a recent RM now living at Heritage Halls.

The unlikely pair met at the recent Starry Night Soiree held at the Heritage Central Building. Helaman native Nova McCapuleight had reluctantly attended to act as a wingman for her friend, a Heritage resident hoping to win the affection of one Lake Monson. But in an unexpected turn of events, McCapuleight and Monson discovered a fate-defying love at first sight.

“What’s in a home? A heart hailing from any nation would surely beat just as hard,” said McCapuleight purely to herself while an Alternate Universe journalist happened to be walking by. “Just because he goes to his classes and his mom still enforces a 9 p.m. bedtime doesn’t mean we weren’t meant to be.”

Monson appeared to be less concerned about the finer details of the relationship.

“Nova was the fourth girl I’d seen since returning from my mission in ‘Roma,’” he said, apparently proud of this fact. He said something else, too, but we were already too distraught to process it.

Although word tends to spread slowly at Heritage, those closest to Monson have heard about his precarious situation.

“I don’t know much about the monkey business that goes down at Helaman, but I did hear that someone there once went to bed without doing their personal scripture study,” said Monson’s former mission companion Elder McKrutio, who actually made that his legal name. “It just makes me worry about Lake’s spiritual well-being.”

Conversely, every Helaman resident had somehow become aware of the scandal before the event had even ended.

“I once had to explain to a Heritage guy what the word ‘sex’ meant so he could interpret the Visiting Hours notice in his building,” said Helaman nationalist Audrey Thibaughlt, who spent a total of 17 minutes on homework last semester. “He’d straight up never heard it before.”

What happens in the coming weeks is entirely up to Fate itself. With secret combinations gathering in the Heritage 24-hour Creamery, Merrill Hall painting their faces red, and McCapuleight somehow convincing Monson to sneak into her room outside of Helaman’s allotted 20 minutes of weekly visiting time, all we know for certain is that nothing is truly certain.