Everyone can remember a time they were truly embarrassed. Maybe you’ve tripped on a flat surface, botched a performance, or been seen at the campus gym. But at least you’ve never been the only person in the room who remembers the last time they showered.

Nosewitnesses reported that Lehi Gene, a computer science major in his freshman year, very obviously took a shower before attending his linear algebra class earlier today. Luckily, the thick, uncomfortable air that fills the Talmage Building shows no signs of thinning anytime soon.

“When I caught a whiff of hibiscus from two floors up, I immediately started sweating twice as much to cancel out the stench,” said avid Yu-Gi-Oh collector Trent Grimm, having his first human interaction since 2019. “No one’s messing up the mark of our hard work as long as I’ve got anything to say about it.”

Though we’re not entirely sure what Grimm does have to say about it, we’re grateful to him for his dedication to the well-being of the building. We’re also indebted to Gene’s classmates, who ensured that his antics would never be repeated.

“It’s taken decades to get the Talmage Building’s natural musk to where it is now,” said classmate Mackley Tucker. “One person who doesn’t smell like he sweats Mountain Dew is bound to become an easy target for the local bullies.”

Gene reported that the professor (justifiably) neglected to control the insults flying around throughout the class.

“One kid told me I should stop ‘fragrancemaxxing’ because the user interface of a shower is no longer included in the meta,” said Gene. “I switched my major to psychology before the class was over.”