Provo resident Taysom Stanton’s Galentine’s Party started at 7pm and ended at 7:20pm.

Setting a new record, her party lasted a full 20 minutes before devolving into nothing more than women commiserating about singledom.

The short-lived cheer proved that $100 worth of pink decor is no match for a room full of 20 women who can’t remember the last time they’ve been held.

“No amount of pastel pink can color my grey soul,” said Sarah Stewart, who is currently saving up to freeze her eggs.

In a completely predictable turn of events, the sadness in the room turned into passive aggression around the 30 minute mark. In an even more predictable turn of events, that passive aggression escalated to actual aggression around the 32 minute mark.

“ANYONE WHO IS MARRIED OR DATING SOMEONE GET. OUT,” yelled 26-year-old Mary Saxon, who who hasn’t had a boyfriend since before her mission.

In the most violent girl-fight ever recorded between completely sober women, Jennica secured Stacey in a full-nelson and ripped out one of her bottle-blonde bubble braids after she refused to “go home to her Quasimodo-lookin’ husband.”

Who will make it out alive? Will Stacey’s hair grow back the same?

Perhaps only time will tell.