Saying that he was “fed up” with Utah Valley University students using BYU housing, amenities, and facilities, BYU’s new border czar ordered the erection of razor wire fences on the border of the two school’s territories.

Grejg Nunbott, whose official title is “Protector of Cougarland Security,” has affiliated with violent extremist elements in the ROC Board. The wire, erected Monday, cuts through the Wal-Mart on the far side of University Parkway and is maintained and guarded by elite ROTC personnel. “We don’t want their kind here,” growled Nunbott. “They need to stick to their end of University Parkway.”

T-Ray Thomson, the permed Vasa bro turned Walmart manager, was not surprised by the development. “Statistically speaking, most of the border crossers are seeking the better opportunities offered to BYU students, like the easy access to ice cream. The razor wire goes right between the alcohol aisle and the ice cream aisle.” When asked about whether he thought it the best policy, T-Ray hid behind his absurdly massive delts and refused to answer.

Michelle Kaufusi, Mayor of Provo, was annoyed. “This policy unnecessarily restricts traffic and cuts down on the free exchange of goods and services. This ‘cowboy’ brand of protecting the university is counterproductive. Youths who want a better life shouldn’t be tied down because of where they come from. Also, UVU Wolverines work cheap and we have plenty of over-watered lawns that need trimming here in Provo.”

At press time, other Big Twelve schools were sending their ROTC units to help defend the border wire against both UVU intrusion and Provo municipal police wire removal efforts.