Once the snow melts, Utah therapists are flooded with thousands of heartbroken young skiers. Cuffing season ends and dumping season begins when dating an Ikon Pass holder becomes less important than securing an invite to Lake Powell. If you hold an Ikon Pass, please read the following cautionary tales to prevent emotional turmoil in the spring. 

“I can’t believe I fell for the slut strands again,” says a tearful Jack “Steezy” White. “I guess Shakespeare was right when he said the devil hath power to assume a pleasing disguise.”

“When I started talking about baby names on the lift, she just gave me a weird look and said, ‘Uh, we’ve only been together for a month,’ laments Jerry Yardsale. “Maybe it’s a little fast, but people bond faster on the slopes! And I still think “Gnar” is a really cute name.”

“I knew something was up when I caught her eyes wandering during Suits and Boots day,” says Subaru Outback Oakley. But I guess it’s fair. I’ve kind of been using her for her Costco card.”

Brigham Young University is offering free counseling services for victims of Ikon Pass exploitation. If you or someone you know has been lured in by a pink ski jacket, call the 24 hour toll free number 801-SKI-GIRL.