Attention, freshmen! As finals week approaches, you may find yourself regretting your choice of educational institution. At this point in the semester, 89% of first year students say they want to transfer to UVU. The remaining 11% say they would like to leave civilization and start a homestead. But don’t despair, this article contains a foolproof methodology that will ensure your finals go smoothly and your grades remain unscathed. 

Step 1: Seduce your TA into giving you the answer key. You’ve heard of “flirt to convert,” now get ready for “charm to disarm.” This step is essential and works best on TAs in the engineering department. 

Step 2: Write the answers on your pants. We recommend using a water based pen so the evidence can be easily washed away in case of emergency. You can use your water bottle, your neighbor’s tears (clearly, they didn’t read this article), or just jump in the duck pond. 

Step 3: Bribe the testing center proctors. A well-placed $5 Chick-fil-A gift card goes a long way.

Step 4: Resort to sabotage. If all else fails, you can always ensure that your classmates do so poorly that the exam curve is steeper than the RB stairs. One failsafe method is hiring several mariachi bands to play outside of the testing center at all hours. Another popular strategy involves the live crickets you can buy at PetSmart for ten cents each. Do what you will with this information.