2023 marks the first year of the BYU Store’s “White Friday Sale”. While the sale had little promotional advertising, word-of-mouth alone generated a crowd of white Provo residents nothing short of massive.

50% off items such as chocolate-covered cinnamon bears and Mikarose dresses had Provo residents lining up as early as 4 a.m. As soon as they opened the doors, bystanders say they can only describe what happened next as a “bloodbath”.

“My daughter got trampled under the feet of 500 white people going straight for the BYU bucket hats,” said an angry mother. The BYU store has offered to compensate for her daughter’s medical bills with a gift card to Cosmo’s Mini-Mart.

“I secured the last pack of scripture markers after winning them in a battle of hand-to-hand combat with a little girl,” boasted John Jenkins, a grown man.

The BYU Store manager weighed in with her perspective.

“Within 30 minutes everything was completely gone. Everything. I can only describe the scene as apocalyptic,” she said.

Given the violent nature of this year’s sale, will the BYU Store choose to run it again next year? Perhaps only time will tell.