The resurrected Samuel the Lamanite returned to the top of a wall for the first time in over 2000 years. He began his address saying that he was commanded to say many things that may be hard to hear: “I do not want to tell you this things, but it is my duty. So as the kids say, ‘sorry not sorry.’ ”

From prophecies to controversial opinions, the Book of Mormon absolute legend shared many harsh realities. The main points are summarized below.

1. No one wants to hear your music while hiking.
2. Your TA is not in love with you.
3. Bacon is overrated, but still good.
4. Debut is best era.
5. Life is easier for attractive people.
6. Those jeans will not look the same on you as they did on the influencer.
7. Parks and Rec is better than the Office. Psych! The Good Place is better than both.
8. In the apocalypse, all that will be left are cockroaches, Twinkies…and the MARB…
9. Only shooting stars break the mold.

As he shared these all-important eternal truths, Border Patrol agents repeatedly shot at him without any success. After his remarks, he disappeared from the wall and has not been seen since.