Considering BYU’s illustrious history of excellence across all disciplines, it should come as a surprise to no one that this year’s Nobel Prize laureates are all students at this fine university.

The Nobel Prize in Physics 2023

Jayson Clark, for successfully crossing four lanes of traffic at 90 miles per hour in under three seconds without getting honked at. Such a feat was previously considered impossible.

The Nobel Prize in Chemistry 2023

Aubree Parkinson, for her groundbreaking work in matchmaking. Ms. Parkinson is directly responsible for twelve temple sealings, seven civil marriages, and an undetermined amount of situationships.

The Nobel Prize in Physiology or Medicine 2023

Shakayla Jones, for pioneering the innovative phlebotomy technique nicknamed “the two second stab.” Ms. Jones’ efforts have led to a tenfold increase in donation efficiency, allowing for the funding of many Cafe Rio burritos.

The Nobel Prize in Literature 2023

McKaylee Roberts, for her National Boyfriend Day Instagram post. Ms. Roberts’ work was selected on the basis of sheer length and revolutionary use of emojis.

The Nobel Peace Prize 2023

Ryan Johnson, for putting PDFs of every textbook he’s ever bought online. Mr. Johnson has prevented countless mental breakdowns and is considered one of the great heroes of the academic world.