After serving a single term in the U.S. Senate, Mitt Romney will not seek reelection and will instead teach American Heritage at BYU. The 76-year-old Senator from Utah is on record saying he is “done will all that political Shiz” and that he would “train the new generation of leaders” in exchange for unlimited chocolate milk.

Many factors reportedly went into the decision. Romney would like to spend more time with his family while he still remembers who they are. “I want to retire while I still know where I am. Many of my congressional colleagues definitely don’t know which of their grandkids is which.”

On top of all that, Romney and his wife were also just called to be nursery leaders in their ward. “That was the straw that broke the camel’s back. I had been thinking about it for awhile, but I just can’t deal with all of these emotionally underdeveloped people at both work and church.”

Romney intended to be fully retired from any kind of work, until BYU found out. “My boy C. Reese hit me up and said I could have all of the Creamery milk I could ever want for free if I just taught one class twice a week. I said, ‘Say no more, fam.'”

Romney will begin teaching in the Winter Semester of the 2024-25 school year, but the Creamery milk part of the deal has already begun. Romney has reportedly ordered a mini-fridge for every single room in his house, including the bathrooms.