Tithing is a largely faith-based aspect of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints. Although everyone has heard the occasional story of a starving couple magically finding groceries on their porch after paying their tithing, there are no tangible promised blessings that come from paying a full tithe other than being able to pat yourself on the back after the end-of-year meeting with your bishop. Wonderfully, this is about to change.

In a move that has both raised eyebrows and opened pocketbooks, The Church leadership announced today that to make the blessings of tithing more visible, tithing will now be changing to a subscription plan.

Here’s a taste of what “Heavenly Membership Plus” has in store for you:

1. Temple Access Upgrade: No more waiting in line or feeling like a temple trespasser. As a subscriber, all you need is your Heavenly Membership Plus card, and the temple doors will swing wide open for you. Forget the front desk; you’re a VIP now!

2. Better Sacrament Bread: Say goodbye to the same old sacrament bread that tastes like cardboard. With Heavenly Membership Plus, you have choices! Will you go for the full-sized breakfast pastry, a ciabatta roll, or perhaps indulge in a slice of heavenly sourdough?

3. Mutual Up: Full-tithe payers will witness a miracle in real-time as the gift of marriage becomes more and more accessible. It’s like watching your love life on a heavenly progress bar. Tithing just became the ultimate matchmaker!

Church leadership cited Malachi 3:10, which (now) states, “Bring ye all the tithes into the storehouse… and prove me now herewith, saith the Lord of hosts, if I will not open you the windows of heaven, and pour you out material blessings, that there shall not be room enough to receive it.”

But wait… there’s more! The Church is considering adding additional perks to the subscription plan and different levels of joy.

Explained Gary E. Stevenson, “What’s currently available is just the Telestial Plan. The Terrestrial Plan and Celestial Plan will be out-of-this-world.”

Rumors are circulating about the allowance for an extra wife, or faster WiFi in church meetinghouses. Can you imagine the possibilities? (You can’t! All things are possible through God.)