With the beehive state and many others facing drought conditions of increasing seriousness, local leaders and general authorities alike have encouraged the members in their stakes to pray for rain. Somehow during this invitation for supplications of precipitation, a large portion of members got the idea that rather than use the word “rain” to describe what they wish to receive, they should instead say “moisture.” It’s unclear when exactly this cringy cultural practice began to take root and spread, but it’s fair to say that today prayers of gratitude for and in request of “moisture” from our Father in Heaven are all too common. 

“We’ve been absolutely baffled by this perplexing practice,” said the most eloquent Apostle, Elder Jeffrey R. Holland. “We as a quorum can find neither rhyme nor reason, nor root of doctrine that could have inspired this truly ridiculous ritual of a routine.”

 Elder Holland told The Alternate Universe that as a chosen representative of the Lord Jesus Christ, it’s his duty to proclaim His revealed doctrine, regardless of how it will be received. Though acknowledging that this correction of culture may be seen by some as a “hard saying”, Elder Holland then went on to declare the latest revelation from our Father in Heaven.

Effective immediately, all English speakers guilty of speaking the word “moisture” in their prayers are to be called to repentance and instead use the natural words of a person hoping for precipitation.

 “Rain,” quoted Elder Holland, reading from the official declaration, “is a perfectly suitable word to use. However, to those faithful disciples truly willing to set aside the inane practices of the world, we desire you to know that our Heavenly Father actually prefers the term ‘rain’. Such a correction is sure to open the heavens and incite our Heavenly Parents to pour forth the blessings we seek according to their timetable.”