“And he shall send his angels with a great sound of a trumpet, and they shall gather together his elect from the four winds, from one end of heaven to the other.” When Apostle Matthew wrote these words, did he consider the military ramifications this great reckoning would bring? Unlikely, yet here we are.

Two days ago, General Dusty Kilgore of the United States Air Force confirmed that an item shot out of the sky, believe to have been a spy balloon, was in fact the Angel Moroni. Although the General admitted this error, he accepted no responsibility for the incident. “He can carry the good tidings of God all he likes, as long as he doesn’t infringe on US airspace.”

It is unknown whether or not Moroni survived the encounter. According to Latter-Day Saint representatives, his visitation to earth was likely to begin the Second Coming of Christ. Said a spokesman, “It is likely that God will now look upon us with disgust and hatred for having rejected the purest of his messengers. They’ve damned us all the hell.”

When asked whether or not the Angel was sent by him personally to spy on the United States, Chinese president Xi Jinping refused to comment.