America is a beautiful place. In this country, you can order shower curtains with your dog’s face on them. People are inserting microchips into their brains. The government is watching us at all times as we willingly teach social media apps how to manipulate us. Some say that technological advancements have done too far. But I would guarantee that these people have never ordered homophobic chicken from a computer.

The Chick-Fil-A self-service Kiosk in the Wilkinson Student Center has been named employee of the year. The award was scored using the same “BCS” formula formerly used to select the two college football worthy enough to play for the national title. As expected, an award prestigious as this has caused some drama.

Stanley Kupp, an undeclared freshman working at the Wendy’s in the same foodcourt felt as though he was ripped off

“That’s some major BS right there. I only forgot extra pickles on Kevin’s baconator one time!*”

The Alternate Universe was lucky enough to obtain exclusive access to the Chick-Fil-A kiosk to get their opinion on their historic award.

“Everybody wants to know what I’d do if I didn’t win. I guess we’ll never know”

We expected nothing less than pure self-confidence from the employee was personally feeds 25% of the student population daily*.

*Disclaimer 1: Despite thorough research, we were not able to confirm or deny that Kevin Worthen eats his baconator with pickles like a weirdo.
*Disclaimer 2: We cannot confirm or deny whether this kiosk serves this many people daily. We just thought it sounded cool, get off our backs.