The epidemic of male pattern baldness at Brigham Young University is truly frightening. Every two minutes, a balding returned missionary asks out an unsuspecting freshman girl. Now, groundbreaking research from the Developmental Biology Department of Research at the University of Utah has discovered a connection between the onset of male pattern baldness and the amount of BYU Creamery products consumed, offering new information about the ailment. 

Subjects in the study were randomly assigned to the varying treatments of consuming a single scoop of BYU Creamery ice cream per day, a single glass of BYU Creamery milk per day, and avoiding the Creamery altogether. The results were overwhelmingly incriminating regarding the products of the Creamery. 

“This new information could help thousands of male BYU students fight off hair loss! It’s a godsend, is what it is!” exclaimed Brigham Old, one of the researchers involved in the study. Indeed, hair growth at BYU could increase exponentially, but when asked, the men of BYU did not indicate any intentions to decrease or stop their consumption of BYU dairy.  

“If it’s not in the Word of Wisdom, it must not be true. The same goes for the usage of deodorant and shampoo,” asserted David McDavies, a sparsely-haired computer science major. McDavies also noted that he refuses to let caffeine enter his body, and feels that he thrives on the Creamery’s chocolate milk.

“I’m going to keep taking my dates to the Creamery,” confirmed Nephi Anderson. “Even if that study speaks truth, I think the shine on top of my head adds to my glowing countenance.” When asked about his last date at the Creamery, Anderson declined to comment.