On Friday, construction workers found an ancient poem while working in the HFAC. The ode, etched onto a stone tablet, is written in Old English and appears to date back to the 20th century.
Professor Filastus Dogberry, an expert in ancient languages, was able to translate the epic poem after many hours of study. The following translation was sent by Professor Dogberry to the Alternate Universe, with a warning not to read it after dark:
The Devil went down to Provo, he was looking for a Mormon soul
But the ones he found could not be bound by his Satanic control.
When all of the sudden, he saw a lad playing piano in the Wilk,
Rocking out to Waterfall and sipping on chocolate milk.
“Hi-de-ho there,” said ol’ Satan, “I’m a piano player too.
Well, actually I learned keyboard but I’d still like to bet you.
Now you play some good churchy songs, but the piano’s meant for rock.
I’ll bet a piano of gold against your soul that my talents will make you gawk.”
The boy said “My name’s Jacob and I’m gonna make you cower
With my piano playing mastery and holy priesthood power.”
Well Jacob, crack your knuckles and go play that piano well
‘Cause if not, you’ll be the only Mormon all alone in hell.
And if you win, you’ll get a shiny piano made of gold
But if you lose, the devil gets your soul.
The Devil sat on the bench and said, “I’ll start this, if you please”
And fire flew from his fingertips as he fiddled with the keys.
He started playing and soon was joined by a large demonic throng
As he began to sing, dear Lord, a Guns N’ Roses song.
When the Devil finished, Jacob said “Not bad, you degenerate
But lemme show you the power of playing something reverent.”
With a dang, and a heck, and a big frick you,
The Devil’s in the house of the BYU.
By the light of the Y and the shining moon,
Jacob played a mighty Clair de Lune.
The Devil bowed his head because the Spirit was so strong,
And he left the ol’ Wilk center with his strange demonic throng.
Jacob said “Devil, just come on back if you ever wanna try again
You freaking jerk, I know the Lord’s work is the best there’s ever been.”
He played Fur Elise and a few hymns too
The Devil’s in the house of the BYU.
And even though Jacob saved the day,
He still couldn’t find him a fiancé.