How to be Straight-Passing at BYU

Let’s be honest, BYU kind of sucks. Here’s a comprehensive guide on how to fit in. Remember, overcompensating is what we’re going for.
For males:
  • Drive a Ford F-150. Make sure it has blinding LED headlights, and tailgate whenever possible
  • Never use your turn signal
  • Get a buzz cut
  • Invest in NFTs
  • Whiten your teeth
  • Make football your entire personality
  • Wear those weird rectangular sunglasses that hug your face
  • Go to VASA for at least two hours each day
  • Eat nothing but protein powder
  • Shop solely at Bass Pro Shop
  • Buy a boat as soon as you can. It is 100% worth going into debt over.
  • Wear flip flops
  • Douse yourself in Axe body spray if you’re under 18
  • Grow an unkempt beard every summer
  • Carry a briefcase instead of a backpack
  • Wear that one Captain America T-shirt that every dude nerd seems to have
  • Listen to nothing but Drake, country music, early 2000s grunge or “dad pop”
  • Watch no movie filmed after 2012, unless it stars Vin Diesel, the Rock, or Chris Pratt
  • Make it clear that the only reason you are going to college is to get money
  • Listen to Faux News
  • #1 style icon: Guy Fieri
  • Kiss the homies goodnight
For females:
  • Whiten your teeth
  • Bleach your hair
  • Straighten your hair (pun intended), or curl it with heat. Remember, the goal is to absolutely destroy your hair
  • Laminate your eyebrows
  • Purchase the Kylie Jenner lip kit
  • Eat pumpkin spice things from Trader Joe’s (cheap but Californian) or Harmon’s (Utah brand but breaks your wallet)
  • Stick to neutral colors such as beige and dusty pink
  • Pay close attention to style trends, but be careful when it comes to trendsetting
  • Buy everything new and throw away clothes instead of donating them, if financially feasible
  • Smile with your gums
  • Own at least one pair of AF1s
  • Go skiing
  • Wear as much jewelry as feasibly possible
  • Be a Disney adult
  • Listen to ’80s pop songs
  • Have at least one Live, Laugh, Love sign in your apartment
  • Make Swig your entire personality (if you aren’t at BYU, you could opt for coffee or wine)
  • Listen to Ed Sheeran, Katy Perry, or whatever the heck plays on FM 97.9 or 100.3 because both stations are 15 years behind in music
  • Memorize the entire British Royal Family
  • Shame anyone who dresses immodestly
  • Have a “crush” on an unconventionally attractive male celebrity, e.g., Adam Driver
  • It’s okay to go to sports games because masculinity is more acceptable than femininity. Also, you could always say that you are “husband hunting”
  • Major in whatever the heck you want because college only lasts a moment, and this is not something you want to lose your career for. But if this really matters to you, major in nursing or something else that’s gendered and underpaid