Let’s be honest, BYU kind of sucks. Here’s a comprehensive guide on how to fit in. Remember, overcompensating is what we’re going for.
For males:
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Drive a Ford F-150. Make sure it has blinding LED headlights, and tailgate whenever possible
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Never use your turn signal
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Get a buzz cut
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Invest in NFTs
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Whiten your teeth
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Make football your entire personality
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Wear those weird rectangular sunglasses that hug your face
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Go to VASA for at least two hours each day
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Eat nothing but protein powder
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Shop solely at Bass Pro Shop
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Buy a boat as soon as you can. It is 100% worth going into debt over.
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Wear flip flops
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Douse yourself in Axe body spray if you’re under 18
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Grow an unkempt beard every summer
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Carry a briefcase instead of a backpack
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Wear that one Captain America T-shirt that every dude nerd seems to have
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Listen to nothing but Drake, country music, early 2000s grunge or “dad pop”
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Watch no movie filmed after 2012, unless it stars Vin Diesel, the Rock, or Chris Pratt
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Make it clear that the only reason you are going to college is to get money
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Listen to Faux News
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#1 style icon: Guy Fieri
- Kiss the homies goodnight
For females:
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Whiten your teeth
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Bleach your hair
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Straighten your hair (pun intended), or curl it with heat. Remember, the goal is to absolutely destroy your hair
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Laminate your eyebrows
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Purchase the Kylie Jenner lip kit
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Eat pumpkin spice things from Trader Joe’s (cheap but Californian) or Harmon’s (Utah brand but breaks your wallet)
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Stick to neutral colors such as beige and dusty pink
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Pay close attention to style trends, but be careful when it comes to trendsetting
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Buy everything new and throw away clothes instead of donating them, if financially feasible
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Smile with your gums
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Own at least one pair of AF1s
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Go skiing
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Wear as much jewelry as feasibly possible
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Be a Disney adult
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Listen to ’80s pop songs
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Have at least one Live, Laugh, Love sign in your apartment
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Make Swig your entire personality (if you aren’t at BYU, you could opt for coffee or wine)
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Listen to Ed Sheeran, Katy Perry, or whatever the heck plays on FM 97.9 or 100.3 because both stations are 15 years behind in music
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Memorize the entire British Royal Family
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Shame anyone who dresses immodestly
- Have a “crush” on an unconventionally attractive male celebrity, e.g., Adam Driver
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It’s okay to go to sports games because masculinity is more acceptable than femininity. Also, you could always say that you are “husband hunting”
- Major in whatever the heck you want because college only lasts a moment, and this is not something you want to lose your career for. But if this really matters to you, major in nursing or something else that’s gendered and underpaid