During the General Conference last weekend, the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints announced a new edition of the “For the Strength of Youth” pamphlet. The pamphlet, which is meant to summarize standards for the youth of the Church, had not been updated in 11 years. Many people were immediately drawn to the uninspired, corporate cover. However, some keen observers realized things inside the cover had changed as well. We at The Alternate Universe have exhaustively reviewed the new edition, and have found some big changes you should be aware of.
- Youth are allowed to start dating at 14, but can only go bowling until they’re 16. The Church has seemingly confirmed what we’ve always known, that taking a girl bowling will never result in you breaking the law of chastity. The pamphlet also contains a tear off coupon for 2 For 1 Nite at Fat Cats.
- Multiple piercings are allowed, but only if they are “super edgy.” Although “super edgy” has not been defined, some have noticed that President Eyring sported a diamond tongue stud during the Conference. That should serve as a good example of appropriate jewelry.
- In order to improve diversity, the Church encourages all youth to “make at least two brown friends.” It is unclear what the brown kids are supposed to do.
- All testimonies are now to end with the phrase “no cap”. In a blatant attempt to appeal to the zoomers, the Church has now encouraged the youth to pull their lingo into testimony meetings. In place of “no cap”, members can also use “fr”, “bet”, or “dead*ss”.
- Joseph Smith’s name is now spelled Josephlynn for some reason. Did the Church just blatantly retcon history to appeal to modern cultural norms? Yes. Is it super cute and has serious Christian Girl Autumn vibes? Also yes.