On Thursday, a woman fell victim to the unholy temple that is the Village. Identified only as “Logan’s wife”, she was moving to King Henry after years of living at the Village. Right before turning the corner onto 700 E, she looked back at the complex. In fact, she looked back with longing. With a bright flash of light and an heavenly crash, she was turned to a pillar of salt.

Her husband is saddened by his wife’s sudden demise, although he is sure he’ll have no trouble finding a new wife. “I’m really not surprised,” says Logan. “She was always too focused on the past. We were moving on from that terrible place, but she couldn’t let go of her sinful ways.” 

Surprisingly, this is not the first time this has happened. About 15 people are turned to salt every year outside the Village. The bodies are kept in the janitor’s closet to salt the roads in the winter.

Landy Lordson, the manager of the Village, says he doesn’t understand why this keeps happening. “Who knows? It could be the weather, it could be the way the sun hits the building just right, it could be our undying devotion to evil. Hail Satan.”

Given she had no identity outside of being Logan’s wife, there will be no funeral service. In lieu of flowers, please buy crosses and place them around the Village, lest their evil spread to the surrounding area.