Brigham Young University’s annual campus climate survey reveals not-so-surprising data on retention rates. A question asked, “What is your primary reason for staying at BYU?” Among returning undergrads, 80% said it was because of ice cream in the vending machines. A follow-up question asked, “What are your other reasons for remaining at BYU? (Select all that apply).” Among those whose primary reason was ice cream, 76% of them did not have any other reason for remaining at BYU.

Returning students are not alone in this opinion. Rhyder Michaels, an incoming freshman, says that although he was recruited for football, the main reason for his commitment to BYU was the ice cream machines. “What is special about BYU is not the athletics nor the academics; it is the constant presence of ice cream. That is what made me commit.”

“We are obviously doing something right,” says public relations representative Dr. MaeLynn Jacuzzi. “Although our chocolate milk is essentially melted ice cream, it alone cannot sustain a population of undergraduates at a university that nobody enjoys.”