When Dr. Jesse Black was diagnosed with athlete’s foot, he thought it was all over. His wife was pregnant, his son was preparing for college, and most importantly BYU football had a good recruiting class.

“I had to find a way to stay alive,” Dr. Black told the Alternate Universe.

Dr. Black was told he had a few short months to live due to his condition. The BYU chemistry professor decided that he would resort to taking advantage of college students as a source of outcome. No, Dr. Black didn’t become a landlord – he became the only thing as evil as that.

Reports say that Dr. Black allegedly started selling caffeine and slowly became the largest kingpin of caffeine in Utah Valley over the past few years. He began his empire with the help of one of his former students who failed his class years prior.

“He saw me selling some Mountain Dew on the corner and approached me,” Jack Blueman told the Alternate Universe. “I couldn’t believe it was him when he approached. I was like, ‘Yo Mr. Black, you are a lot different than I remember you.’ Needless to say, working with was the worst mistake of my life.”

His partner, Jack Blueman, was found a few days later in a pit at a FLDS compound. Reports say that he was a prisoner for this FLDS community and was stuck making caffeine day and night. Thousands of bottles of Coca-Cola and Monster were found at the compound with Blueman.

When Dr. Black was finally caught this past weekend at his residence. He had accumulated 6.9 million dollars (nice) from his drug business and was wanted in both Utah and Idaho for multiple counts of caffeine trafficking. He had a few statements upon his capture.

“I am the one who knocks. Well… I was the one who knocked. We did a lot of knocking on my mission in Albuquerque.”