The all-powerful, historically Orwellian Honor Code Office held a meeting to counsel with each other about additional censorship. An administrator suggested 21st century Disney movies because of the apparent drama, and one committee member offhandedly complained about his granddaughter’s obsession with Barbie movies. He said that he was “appalled” to see such monstrosities as rainbows, glitter, and dancing animals. So, the committee decided to watch each and every single Barbie movie ever created to determine whether it is something to shield from young, impressionable college adults.
“It was a difficult decision, but we felt the urgent need to censor some of these masterful works. Most of the Barbie movies are pure art and deserve to be treated as such, but make no mistake, they teach youngsters the ways of the devil,” says Arson Bakersleighson, head Honor Code administrator.
Although they were the nit-pickiest group of snowflakes West of the Mississippi, they could only find sufficient evidence to ban ten of the 43 cinematic masterpieces. We obtained top-secret intel on their proposal outline, which specifies each movie they plan to ban and its respective rationale.
- Barbie Nutcracker
- The use of the word “nutcracker” is not in line with principles of censorship on BYU campuses.
- Barbie Three Musketeers
- Musketeers are not very “nurturing”; refer to Family: Proclamation to read more about why women should not pursue meaningful careers outside of the home.
- Barbie Mermaid Tail
- Violates the Honor Code policy against pink hair.
- This movie centers on a child who was born out of wedlock.
- Barbie Diamond Castle
- Cohabitation is against Honor Code policy.
- The protagonists rejected potential eternal companions and rode away on a rainbow. This gives people… ideas. We don’t want that.
- The protagonists do not keep the Word of Wisdom — bread and jam is not sufficient for nourishment and strenghthenment, but go ahead and drink you 500 g of sugar from Swig. It’s ok because it’s low in carbs.
- Barbie Big City Big Dreams
- It is Diamond Castle meets Loki season one (which we plan to ban shortly). Narcissism is only acceptable if one uses it to boost his own image.
- Mere friendships with the opposite gender are not acceptable. You are either dating or you are not. Stop it with this limbo and get sealed already.
- Barbie Fairytopia: Magic of the Rainbow
- One of our administrators does not like how he resonates with the antagonist. We cannot have people make this comparison, because it will ruin our image.
- Dizzle and Bibble are too dropkickable for their own good.
- Barbie Diaries
- This movie perpetuates immodesty and gossip. Their fits are not in line with the dress and grooming standards at BYU.
- The animation quality will discourage animation students, making them think they can get away with being lazy.
- Barbie Island Princess
- The prince disobeyed his parents’ wishes, just like in modern Disney movies. Honor your mother and father, and we might just not kick you out.
- Those singing rats give us the creeps.
- The elephant promotes being a whiny bish, which is not acceptable under any circumstances.
- Barbie Magic of Pegasus
- This show shines a bad light on polygamy.
- Chelsea and the Lost Birthday
- A six-year-old should not promote the use of hallucinogenics.
- This whole plotline an insult to storytelling. Pick up the Book of Mormon instead.
The official proposal will be available for public viewing next Monday. In the meantime, we hope this clears up some confusion. The HCO will not likely give this much detail, choosing instead a bureaucratic-phrased list with obscured reasoning. Hopefully this does not set a precedent, but we have already seen stuff like this happen with the beard ban. No one knows yet why so many male students have to tromp around campus with a scraggly caterpillar mustache.