In the most important announcement since allowing self-checkout on Sundays, The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints has finally confirmed that “all the dogs to heaven”. Well, almost all dogs…

President Nelson explained in a recent interview with Joe Rogan that all dogs have their place in the celestial kingdom.

“Dogs are wonderful vessels of joy for all people. They are rays of sunshine and often the best part of someone’s life. But…I must be clear when I say this. Crusty Maltese Terriers have no place in the presence of God. After this life, they will be sentenced to guard the gates of hell.”

The clarification of this doctrine came to no surprise for those who have interacted with these devil spawns. The embodiment of the ‘Napoleon Complex’ themselves, no one in a sound state of mind would ever consider buying these dogs. That’s why your Grandma has one.

“Snuggles, my Grandma’s small crusty white dog, once took a chunk out of my leg for not taking my shoes in the house,” local victim Cary Carlson told the Alternate Universe. “At least I know that my grandma told her well.”

Unsurprisingly, Grandma’s from across the globe responded in nothing less than outrage. The “hip” and “groovy” town of Springville had a riot at their library. The crowds were eventually dissipated by a light breeze.

“My poor little Snuggles wouldn’t hurt a soul,” local Grandma Jane Dickenson told the Alternate Universe. “Last week, she defended me from an intruder who wouldn’t take his shoes off. But trust me, other than that she wouldn’t hurt a soul! If you are only counting attacks from this month that is…”