It is wedding season! You know what that means – loads of time spent waiting through your friends’s weddings, dreading the next one each time they come around. Utah is in a wedding slump. Each and every wedding is as boring as they get, most of them lacking a DJ, or, heaven forbid, dancing altogether. No offense, but your 14-year-old uncle’s mp3 player isn’t gonna cut it.

Worried about costs? Understandable. This is what happens when you get horny as a poor college student. However dismal you may think your wedding will be, we at the Alternate Universe have compiled a list of things to make it… spectacular.

1. Alcohol. No wedding is complete without it! You do not want your guests to leave, bored, right after dinner. Everyone knows guests only attend for the food. Extend their company by providing something else to stick around for.   
2. Hip-hop music. Now’s the time to showcase your Fortnite moves. It took you 8 months to learn how to floss; don’t let that brutal time go to waste. Turn up those beats. Gyrate! Do what the cool kids do. People love the cool kids. 
3. Casting bets on divorce. After applying for a prenup, celebrate with all of your friends and family by casting bets for divorce. 50% of marriages in the US end in it, and chances only get higher the shorter you two have known each other. Did you two meet a whopping 6 months ago? Your friends and family will have better odds betting against the divorce!   
4. Singing at the alter. The best time to showcase your voice is when you have a captive audience! To make it personal, write your own lyrics to a popular song. Nothing says, “I love you,” more than a karaoke parody.     
5. Making it gay. What is the #1 way guaranteed to make you stick out from the BYU crowd? A same-sex marriage! It’s gonna be a night to remember. Come on now, big fun. It’s gonna be the night to last forever. We’ll never, ever, ever, forget. We’re aaaaaaaaall in this together.