Today, 20 wards were graced by the presence of Provo YSA’s 382nd ward’s voices in a Primary Program. Why? Because all the kids in the Provo 21st Stake were too young to do it. And this is the proper punishment for not being married by 24.

“It was fantastic. They were just as off-key as any other primary,” says Jacob Limoni, who got married at 20 because he is pre-med.

“It is infantilizing. I hated every minute of it, but my bishop threatened to remove my ecclesiastical endorsement,” says Teresa Sariah, who is still single because she is pre-med.

“After this embarrassment, I have no hope of making it into a Mormon Swingers Facebook Group,” says Cole Nephi, who is still single because he doesn’t have enough money for dates.

“I am no longer singing ‘Popcorn Popping’ at games,” says Sara Abish, who will forever be single due to this fiasco.