Often times when an AP returns home from their mission, they feel helpless and without purpose. Without other people to boss around all-day, these fallen brothers tend to resort to summer sales or other business internships to scratch that itch.

In a recent turn of events, the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints has provided a way out for these lost souls. Starting this summer, the Quorum of the Twelve Apostles will offer internships for “prospective apostles”. Each apostle will be assigned a protege that will be referred to as their “Padawan”.

“Twelve lucky young men will learn about the ins and outs of being an apostle,” Elder Oaks told the Alternate Universe. “These Padawans will shadow us for the whole summer and will even have the opportunity to speak at conference.”

When questioned whether this ‘Padawan’ position will be paid or not, Elder Oaks responded with the following: “Will these interns be paid? Heck to the no! If we’re not paid, why do you think these little stinkers be paid? Back in my day…”

Shortly after starting this sentence, Elder Christofferson ranted about how he had to walk in the snow uphill, each way, to his job as a kid. After complaining about some lame boomer stuff for 15 minutes, the interviewer slowly walked away. Rumors say that he is still talking to this day…

Shortly after this program was announced, the Alternate Universe was able to connect with the first person who was officially accepted to the program.

Ron Romney, a senior studying Business Management and minoring in advanced coloring with an emphasis on Crayon, shared his excitement.

“When Goldman Sachs rejected me, I thought all of my Dad’s money went to waste. Luckily, I was still able to work for a multi-million dollar corporation once the apostle internship program accepted me.”

We hope that this new generation of future apostles will find the purpose they are looking for.