Every year once winter finals are finally completed, Provo becomes a ghost town.

As the hot singles return to their home states to do summer sales, the lonely “6 on a good day” singles and newly weds are tasked with defending Provo like their life depends on it.

“It gets pretty lonely out here,” Jeremy Bird, 5-time Provo Summer veteran, told the Alternate Universe. “All of my crushes either went on missions or got married…I guess I’m stuck playing Smash Bros with my roommate Kevin again…”

But what stupid Jeremy failed to realize is that BYU has finally brought out the big guns that will make the hot people stay in Provo.

This morning, BYU officially announced that a lazy river will be added directly on campus. This half-mile masterpiece will stretch all the way from Heritage Halls to the RB parking lot. Consequently, the RB parking lot will be turned into a massive wave pool where the lazy river will eventually feed into.

“Well that’s good news, I thought that BYU had too much parking available,” Literally no one told the Alternate Universe.

This lazy river will travel all the way around campus to provide students with the coolest and least efficient way to get to their summer classes. With max speeds of 2.5 miles per hour, this lazy river is sure to knock your socks off! (I was told to this say in the article or they’d kill my dog)

“This is coolest thing BYU has done since allowing black people on campus!” Jeremy Bird later told the Alternate Universe. “I can’t wait to waste my summer days chilling with my bro Kevin on the lazy river!”

Some experts in the slow-moving aquatic community have said this idea is revolutionary and will change modern college student transportation.

“Once the human race has turned into the fat people from WALL-E, lazy rivers will become the most preferred mode of transportation across the globe!” lethargic water engineer Riggins Von Wigglebottoms told the Alternate Universe. “BYU, as always, is at the brink of innovation!”

The lazy river will be completed in Winter 2036.