Through our very intense journalism efforts, The Alternate Universe discovered a surprising secret last week: the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints audits BYU students who do not pay their tithing. After uncovering this secret The Alternate Universe conducted a thorough series of interviews to get to the bottom of it.

Lehi Turner, head Church accountant, told us, “We just want to make sure our students don’t become diminishing returns.”

Another accountant, Bryleigh Thompson, described the process of auditing. “It’s a very long and complicated process. For example, after we discovered that student Michael Peters hadn’t paid his tithing in four months, we went talked to his bishop who told us that Peters was just really struggling financially right now. However, we found out he spent $80 on Among Us. Sounds kinda sus.”

We also interviewed several students being audited by the church.

McKayliegha Austen, sophomore at BYU said, “I got notified that they’re auditing me last week. I just hope they don’t find out I go to Starbucks. I can’t help it if their chocolate croissants are addictive.”

A distraught senior Thomas Benson said, “I’ve been rounding down on my tithing for the last few months. What’s the difference between paying $62.45 and $62.00? Then yesterday I got a call from my ward secretary saying that I owe $1.58. If I don’t pay by next week they’re going to limit the number of credits I can take,” You can donate to his Venmo @Tommy-B23.