Dozens of aware students exhaled a sigh of relief this afternoon as BYU Police announced that a man-eating cougar roaming on campus has officially passed away due to starvation. Security officials initially reported the numerous cougar sightings late Thursday night last week. The reports detailed a young female cougar had strayed from Y Mountain and found her way to campus. Bizarrely, BYU Police confirmed the cougar spotted had apparently developed quite the taste for male human flesh- more specifically, the flesh of an alpha male. 

“Yeah, I recognized the cougar,” current BYU Police member Jason Tobler told The Alternate Universe as he recounted a dark memory. “The squad went too deep into the mountains for a game of capture the flag that November day. That’s when we encountered her. Mark Rees was our chief at the time. He could carry six folded church chairs at a time, I served a state-side mission…I remember the cougar just walked right past me, but she didn’t hesitate to bite Mark’s arm clean off. She’s a different kind of beast. She has…taste.”

But it would be this taste that would lead the roaming cougar to her death. Once campus police determined that the cougar on the loose was their old pal who loved man meat, they decided it was best to continue working on removing the beast without informing the public. So naturally, many were shocked to hear the BYU Police confirm a cougar’s death on campus at approximately 2:39 PM today. 

And while many students were surprised to hear campus officials actively withhold important security information from the public, zero female students were surprised to hear that the man-eating cougar had ultimately starved to death. 

“Sounds like she just had a certain taste that couldn’t be satisfied at BYU,” said student Jenna Harward. “But I’m sure if she had stayed around longer, her expectations would have naturally lowered and she’d probably eventually settle. You know…it happens!”

Police have promised to disclose information on man-eating individuals to the public going forward, but have now moved it to a “low-level” threat following evidence of the cougar’s starvation.