After scoring zero points and acquiring six fouls in his team’s intramural championship game, Karl Stockton was ready to take on the world.
Stockton, who teamed up with his mission companion’s old high school basketball team, fulfilled his biggest dream since he came to BYU: become an intramural champion.
“This is why I’ve been putting in all that work,” Stockton said. “Taking beginning basketball every semester for the past six years has led me to this point. ANYTHING’S POSSIBLE!”
When asking his teammates why they chose Stockton to join them on their team, they answered with nonchalant answers such as “his called us every day to join” and “he held my step-mother at gunpoint”.
Just a few short weeks after his championship run, he finally mustered up the courage to ask out his TA of his American Heritage class. He claimed that the “championship buzz” finally pushed him over the edge.
“It was the fourth time I had to take to the class so we knew each other pretty well,” recounted Stockton.
“I always thought he was cute but a little timid for my taste,” his TA (name redacted for national security purposes) told The Alternate Universe. “But after he won that intramural championship, he was irresistible.”
But when Stockton arrived to the date in his grandma’s 2004 Toyota Corolla, his TA could not believe her eyes.
“It was the same shirt he wore to class everyday,” his TA recalled. “Since we were going to the opera, I tried to make to a friendly joke for him to possibly go change. The look I saw in his eyes after my suggestion was other-worldly. I’ve never seen a human turn that red before…”
Stockton himself acknowledged that he was not assumed by the comment. “She disrespected me. She disrespected herself. And most importantly, she disrespected the beautiful swan that is college intramural basketball.”
As expected, there was no way to recover from a blunder such as this. As both parties told the Alternate Universe later, the date went horribly.
“We didn’t end up going to the opera. After my comment, he drove straight to Heber Hachets to ‘release some steam’. I was severely uncomfortable the entire time. I could hear him utter my name every time he threw the axe…” the TA said.
“It’s not my fault she ruined it,” Stockton said. “She made fun of my favorite shirt. What does she except me to do, wash it? Ummm I’m pretty sure Michael Jordan never washed any of his clothes.”