The results of a randomized, controlled, double-blind study conducted by the BYU sociology department recently discovered that out of every type of man that exists, a man who waits all year to wear his cheeky “Kiss Me, I’m Irish” tee is in fact the least worthy of your lips alive.

We all know him. He has a dell laptop and sings showtunes on his way to class. No one is sure why he’s so obsessed with Saint Patrick’s Day, but that doesn’t change the fact that he lurks in the shadows waiting to pinch any innocent person who isn’t wearing green.

Chester Samberg, this mysterious man’s only friend, tried to give us more information about why his friend “is the way he is”, but had to leave early to ice his arm.

“Bro STOP pinching me,” was all the Alternate Universe gathered from Chester on his way out.

Some people wonder if this man’s genes will soon filter out of the gene pool, as his chances for procreation seem slim to none.

Will natural selection take its course, or is there someone out there brave enough to defy the odds and opt to lock lips with this anomaly of a man? Perhaps only time will tell.