Life

DI Thrift Stores to add Food Courts to all Locations

In an effort to compete with Costco, Deseret Industries announced that will begin to add food courts to all of its locations by the end of the year. This decision was made in an attempt to keep “shopping local” and “give customers diabetes before someone else will”.

Unsurprisingly, DI Thrift Stores will operate their food courts the same exact way as their stores and will only sell donated food. 

“We don’t want to step away from the model that has helped us make millions by selling sweaty T-Shirts and crusty socks,” Sheri Dew, Executive Vice President, told the Alternate Universe. “We will ensure that the food at our food courts is 100% edible and definitely not expired…most of the time.”

These DI Food Courts will sell all the food donated that can be considered “edible” by current FDA standards. Along with donations, these food courts will sell “signature items” to attract hungry customers. The standard menu for these food courts will include:

  • Diet Coke
  • Funeral Potatoes
  • Green Jello
  • Pot Roast
  • Stale Hawaiian Rolls
  • Hawaiian Haystacks
  • 84-gallon fry sauce baths

Along with these delicious meals, rumor has it that DI is considering adding a “potluck” menu option and not serving breakfast and lunch once a month.

“I’m just glad that I don’t have to wait in line at In-N-Out anymore for break-the-fast,” local mom Sherrieannie Holdendecker told the Alternate Universe. “Nothing says ending a small sacrifice to the Lord than a heaping plate of Green Jello.”

When this news broke, reporters flooded to Costco’s headquarters to see how the behemoth of bulk would respond. One naïve reporter even dared to ask the question, “Would you consider lowering the price of the Costco Hot Dog in response to Deseret Industries’ new food courts?”

Jim Senegal, Costco’s co-founder, turned to the reporter with shame and anger. “To reiterate what I told my business partner years ago, ‘If you raise the price of the effing hot dog, I will kill you”.

The daring reporter, either in an attempt to get a laugh or because his brain was made of frozen yogurt, responded by saying, “So you would reconsider it?”

He was murdered on the spot.