This morning around 9 am, BYU students received the news that all classes will convert to online delivery effective immediately in response to the recent cheese touch outbreak on campus.

They say it’s worse than a case of nuclear cooties. It spreads faster than butter on a hot roll, and it can smell fear. With around 5,000 campus cases and counting, the administration was left with no choice but to send everyone home.

Cheese touch symptoms are highly individualized and diverse. Reported symptoms include:

• loss of sense of smell
• loss of sense of taste
• loss of virginity
• loss of a loved one
• loss of motivation
• loss of appetite
• loss of hair
• explosive diarrhea

Investigators have traced this extremely contagious illness back to a singular slice of swiss cheese left on the concrete in front of the Wilkinson student center. No one knows how it got there, and no one knows how long it will be until it is removed.

“I wouldn’t even touch that cheese in a hazmat suit,” said Thomas Clark, head groundskeeper on campus.

Some wonder if God has abandoned this campus. Others see this as a testament to the fallen world we live in. What we do know is that BYU needs someone who is willing to remove this cheese at the risk of their own life. A hero.