Move over, Cosmo! There’s a new mascot in town! Chuck E. Cheese just bought the BYU duck bond for $5.8 million. In an effort to “revitalize” BYU’s campus, the company plans to build artificial islands with a miniature city complete with a full-sized Chuck E. Cheese’s building.
BYU’s Board of Trustees eagerly approved the BYU duck pond remodel because there is nothing more that they love than destroying, excuse us, revitalizing nature. They love approving things that will improve the community! One thing they’ve approved is the prison relocation so that their personal, private property values will grow, leaving ancient, degrading school buildings with absolutely no funding. They also like to ban mask mandates so that they can kill as many disabled people as possible. How nice of them! And they make all the professors post their lesson plans online so that “concerned [helicopter]” parents can shoot them down and censor education. There is nothing that the Board of Trustees can’t do.
However strong the Board of Trustees may be, it does experience pushback from time to time. Dr. Abby says that dredging obviously kills wildlife. Because she is a scientist and an underpaid professor, that means that every word that comes out of her mouth is a straight-up lie. Never trust a scientist; they are always in it for the money. There is big money to be made as a BYU professor who is an expert ecological researcher.
Naturally, the big, strong Chuck E. Cheese (CEC) is suing Dr. Abby for defamation. They always got what they wanted in life, and now someone is standing up to them. Well, they say, you can’t do that! Bubba needs his money, and you will not speak against me! Johnny B Benson, CEO of Pond Restoration Solutions, Tweeted about Dr. Abby, “This girl is the nastiest skank fart I’ve ever met. Do not trust her. She is a fugly slut.” At first he wrote about it in his Burn Book, then he decided to post it on Twitter because that is where TRUTH is spread. He feels real good about it.
“Our plan is to make the BYU duck pond look as much like Lehi as possible, complete with urban sprawl and beige house paint enforced by HOAs,” remarks O’HareAir White, CFO of CEC. “We also want to mimic all of Venice’s glory, including mold, floods, and sinking. Of course, the duck pond will not be big enough for houses, so creepy doll houses will have to do.”
“Save the turtles! Sksksksksksk,” says Chucky. “We want a place where a kid can be a kid, and a duck bond is just not that.”
Benson says, “Just like the great sinking city of Venice, Italy, we will have boats and tourism! And just like the great Cottonwood Canyons an hour north from here, we will have tons of traffic! It will be excellent!”
This isn’t the first time CEC has developed an existing city. They completely transformed San Francisco from drab to fab a few weeks ago. Hopefully all this pushback dies down so that we can have a rock’n’rollin’ city!