I want you to close your eyes and think to yourself right now: What is the worst part about BYU? Come on, do it. I don’t see those eyes closed. There we go, nice job.

You can open your eyes. What did you say was the worst part about BYU? Did you say the people? American Heritage? Economics with Professor Kearl? Not being able to rock that super impressive beard? (Don’t worry Jeremy, we all know you would look cool.)

When the BYU Police did this same exercise, they opened their eyes and thought: How about we use military-grade weapons to handle the worst part about BYU?

BYU Police have finally decided to take action against the everyday villains who do not walk where they are supposed to. They have just released new, guerilla-warfare techniques to stop all students who jaywalk and walk on the grass on campus.

“Effective on February 1st, 2022, BYU will no longer tolerate students walking where they are not allowed. All jaywalking students will be taken out by snipers camped out on top of Kimball Tower. All students who walk on the grass will activate landmines and will finally face the consequences for their actions. You have been warned”

This was the press release that BYU Police Chief, McKlayton McMuffins, sent out to all students today. If you missed it, it’s probably in your spam folder with those DoTerra emails.

As one might expect, many students were shocked and terrified by this recent news.

“Yes, I’m the student that always takes a nap in the middle of the grass. I know I’m kind of a big deal” student Jeremy Squire told the Alternate Universe. “It’s so peaceful and I love that I can hear a bunch of people talking about me for once. The attention is nice. But, what I am going to do now? Honestly, I’m going to call his bluff. I will protect my land just as my ancestors before me.”

Time will only tell if the BYU Police are bluffing. A bold few will die for their country while most will probably just look where they are going and stop killing the grass.