“This is why I flooded the Earth guys…Do I need to do it again?” – God, probably

Just like the guy who doesn’t realize the party has ended and as clearly overstayed his welcome, COVID has once again run rampant across the United States. The new Omicron variant has revived COVID from the ashes and now it has its eyes set on infecting every single person on this planet.

BYU and Utah County are no exceptions. As you may have seen, or personally experienced, COVID is coming through every apartment complex and giving all unexpecting victims a roundhouse kick to the face. Classes are being canceled. Zoom meetings, the only things worse than COVID, are slowly returning. The number of dates is dramatically dropping. COVID has been infecting all that breathe at BYU. But…there was one who was determined to get the attention she never received from childhood.

Lizziemcguireton Cooks (1943-2022) was a young, bright, and inspiring marketing student who tried to shock the world.

“Getting COVID is so basic nowadays,” Lizziemcguireton wrote on her last Instagram post. “I used to cough extremely loud in class just to see who would look at me. Now, it is a miracle if a get a single look. Things must change.”

What changed for Lizziemcguireton Cooks? Well…her entire skin started to rot away because she had the bright idea to contract Leprosy. She thought that by contracting a disease “bigger” than COVID, she could finally get the glancing looks she most desperately wanted and the sympathy points that drove her everyday life. And oh boy, did she get some looks…

You might be asking yourself…how does one get Leprosy in 2022? Well…Lizziemcguireton made out with a mummy in the Bean Museum that was left unattended.

“She slipped me a mint brownie,” security guard Girth McBuckets finally admitted after hours of grueling interrogation.

Just days after her disturbing stunt, her skin began to rot and fall off the bone. Eye witness reports claim that she would purposely bump into people in the hallway just to get people to notice her. She was the talk of the town for the few days around campus. She was strutting the halls, happy as could be, with her new condition. Until she wasn’t…because she died.

Lizziemcguireton Cooks died suddenly after she tripped going down the RB stairs. Once her body reached the bottom, it looked nothing more than a pile wet toilet paper and sawdust. Although she was able to “stand apart from the COVID crowd” and get the attention she most desperately sought, her life ended in an unexplainable tragedy. The lesson of the story? Just contract COVID like the rest of us…