Happy first week of the semester Cougars. Have you counted your blessings recently? Because if you thought your syllabi were hard, try getting killed before you even have the opportunity to drop the class. That’s right, only one week into the new year and BYU already mourns the first murder of the semester.
We must not that for legal reasons we cannot disclose the apartment complex at which this crime took place, so henceforth we will refer to the complex under a false name- let’s say, Freedome Cube.
Transfer student Jonathan Miller arrived at Freedom Cube on Monday morning, eager to start his first semester at BYU. The excitement was short-lived, as Miller would soon discover a cold-blooded killer lay only 10 feet away in his seemingly empty apartment: his own roommate.
Fellow BYU student Ben Sorensen had been a resident at Freedom Cube since August 2021 and had a history of keeping to himself. Only on rare occasions would Sorensen leave his room, where unbeknownst to many, was a Glock 19 he kept under his scripter quad. He was unaware that Jonathan Miller would be taking the place of a past roommate who decided to move. We do not blame that individual.
Sorensen’s introversion and Miller’s quiet nature would finally confront each other at 2:14 AM when Sorensen discovered Miller chowing down on a bowl of cereal in their kitchen. Apparently, the late-night snack was quite the threatening gesture, as Sorensen wasted no time to grab his Glock and fire a single shot that would kill Miller.
According to the Provo Police Department, Sorensen initially called his local law enforcement to brag about his “heroic act” and express that he “was doing their job for them, and better too.” After police arrived on the scene, it was made clear to Sorensen that he had just killed his roommate, a harmless man.
“Yike, my bad,” he said to police. “Big bummer. But to be fair, how am I supposed to know I have a new roommate? And if it’s any defense, he was using my bowl. But yeah, what a shame”
“It’s hard to argue against such a compelling defense,” Police Chief Ian Grover admitted to the Alternate Universe. “Still, we have reason to believe there is a legitimate case here. But that’s for the lawyers now- our work here is done. Already took him out for a Happy Meal and all.”
The Miller family is reportedly disheartened to see so many come to the defense of Sorensen. This includes the surprising voice of Kyle Rittenhouse, who claims he sees the story as a simple misunderstanding, stating the tragedy is merely “a cautionary tale for those who refuse to get to know the people they’re living with.”
“Happens to the best of us,” he told the Alternate Universe.
A tragedy, sure. A cautionary tale, absolutely. So as we enter into the next week of school, those who have not yet made their presence known to their roommates should do so immediately, or at the very least, sleep with one eye open.