The amount of time it takes for men to grow facial hair remains a mystery to womankind. But for me, as a woman, it takes about two days. Four if I want it to be visible, which I do not. For the sake of relevance, let’s say it takes about five days. Are you interested in a flashy new mustache for the new semester, but cannot decide on which one? We’ve compiled a complete, non-comprehensive guide to show the world who you truly are.

Show your classmates you care about public health because there’s nothing more manly than a dude who cares. Draw a mustache on your mask today!

Have you ever been beaten by a pile of textbooks because she has a twin sister and you got confused and hugged her dad? Well, that’s how it feels to drive a Ford F-250. Wear this mustache to show that you drive a truck that barely fits on the road.

Show that you are distantly related to Brigham Young himself by paying homage to his majestic beard.

um… sure… THAT’S what it is. Please just shave it off.

When people ask, your mustache is inspired by an “artist who is kind of indie. You probably haven’t even heard of him,” when, in fact, it’s just your 5 o’clock shadow.

If you cannot grow a mustache, there’s no need to fret! Tattoo your finger with one instead.

Show everyone that you’re already married (or an incel, we’re open-minded) by donning the mustache which screams, “stay away.”