For many, the season’s first snowfall was a welcome surprise on the last day of classes. From the square, students can be seen building snowmen, making snow angels, and catching snowflakes on the tips of their tongues. While much of campus is a serene winter wonderland, not everyone is enjoying the chillier weather. The Alternate Universe is currently live at an intense scene outside the JKB, where President Kevin J. Worthen has his tongue stuck on a frozen pole.

Eyewitnesses found him there over two hours ago, flailing his arms and legs to attract help. They say they had never seen such a powerful man look so desperate. So scared.

Currently, dozens of students and police crowd around their helpless leader. Campus light pole experts are deliberating about the best way to set Kevin and his tongue free.

The Alternate Universe asked Kevin how he got himself into such a bind.

“uh nuh nuh uh uh nuh,” says Kevin.

Peggy stands right by his side, shaking her head. “I couldn’t be more embarrassed.”

Was it curiosity? A lost bet? An odd fetish? Stay tuned for more updates from the Alternate Universe regarding Kevin and his frozen tongue.