Earlier today, BYU passed a groundbreaking $1.2 billion initiative to revamp much of the infrastructure on campus and add much more. However, not all of the BYU administrators are not enthused with the plan. Associate Deputy Vice President of the BYU Store, Mallory Talbot-Gray, has been releasing names of all the administrators who support the plan in an effort to defame and harm them. “There is just no way any of this is good for us. These administrators are UVU-first and BYU-last.”
The highest priority will be to fix the MARB so it is not absolutely terrible to enter and leave. Entrances will be added for each level. The next building to be altered is the JKB. Each wing of the building will be shifted slightly up or and down to make the building actually level and not something out of the Wayside School series.
Escalators will be added on the west side of campus to replace the RB stairs so that no more people die of exhaustion. A slide will also be built for all students to use when descending. However, the stairs south of campus will not be replaced.
To reduce confusion and increase efficient walking, a roundabout will be built in between the JFSB and the library. HOV lanes will also be added for couples walking together to have a faster path to class and encourage dating. Landscaping students have already begun to hang speed limit signs in congested areas.
Unsurprisingly, some things unrelated to infrastructure made their way into the initiative. The number of stuffed animals in the LSB will be doubled by the end of the year. Seven more statues of Brigham Young will be added to various parts of campus. Each one will be 12 feet tall and made of solid gold. Additionally, the windows of the Testing Center will be covered and half of the lights will be removed.
To pay for this initiative, certain measures will be undertaken. Students will have to pay an extra 3.9% in tithing. The prices for all vending machines will be increased by 50%. Lastly, a new toll bridge will also be installed between the Tanner Building and the Maeser Building. If these produce more funds than needed, BYU will install a subway system under campus.