One of the main ethical responsibilities of journalism is to serve the public and keep power in check. That’s why when the Alternate Universe team heard the report of a mysterious low ponytail spotted on the scalp of BYU President Kevin Worthen, we had to send a team of our best investigative journalists to find the facts. The plan was simple: one AU journalist would be the ponytail bait, and one would be the scissor holder. 

The plan was set in motion when our ponytail bait approached Worthen yesterday morning, and in a hushed manner, grilled the president on the whereabouts of his excessive hair. It wasn’t long before Worthen quickly complied and hesitantly untucked a five-inch ponytail from his suit collar. We had our ponytail bait then stall Worthen while we notified our scissor holder to go in for the snip. 

“Four pumps of Moroccan Oil Clarifying Shampoo- first thing in the morning,” Worthen started rambling. “Then after a ten-minute hydrating hair mask, blast the scalp with cold water. It’s best to air dry or blow dry on a cool setting. While still damp, apply a generous amount of sea salt spray to the ends. I always carry my custom Italian round brush if I need to shape or style it throughout the day. You want to write this down, son?” 

It was at that time that our scissor holder unfortunately dropped their hydro flask and sent a bewildered Worthen twirling around. “Don’t you dare touch my tail,” he growled. After an awkward pause, Worthen swiftly fled the scene, refusing to comment any further. While his ponytail swung side-to-side, the AU team was left to wonder if we blew our only chance to remove another godforsaken male ponytail in this world. We would now like to apologize to the public. We promise to do better.