You may have seen the new plasma ad campaign. At a first glance, the promise of $1500 for your first donation seems like a great gig. Be warned, however, of who or what you are donating to. 

Surely this is a mistake, you may ask. Aren’t they going to use this plasma to save lives? This is another part of the elaborate scam, having someone fake an illness. They call her “Loca”. She is in every single one of their advertisements, appearing to be deathly ill. She is not ill. She is one of them. Who is this mysterious group? The vampires.

Vampires are notorious for stealing human blood. Like with vegans, there are different levels of ethics they use. Some are “vegetarians”, choosing to only drink animal blood. Some go full-out Dracula and kill people. And some are now “consensual vampires”, and they offer your money for yielding up your bodily fluids.

This scam is so elaborate that the vampires have gotten medical degrees. You may know Dr. Cullen, a local general practitioner. He was heard trying to convince his neighbor to consider donating: “You may know me as the hot vampire DILF, but I’m also a doctor. I really need your plasma to save a life.”

He ADMITTED his bloodlust. But this means nothing because he draws you in with his charm and then smashes your hopes and dreams by taking advantage of your monetary struggles. You may need to get stitches, but he gazes into your eyes and assures you everything you will be fine. It is not fine. He is 500 years old, and he has no business making anything that hot. 

If you donate plasma enough, the vampires will convince you to join them by sending one of their hottest and making you want to join them for eternity. Lemme tell ya, you do not need to join a vampire for eternity, that’s what the temple is for. You do not want to be immortal if it means you’ll be stuck as a glittery disco ball for the rest of time. Do not donate plasma.