The BYU Wilkinson Center is mainly known to function as a center on campus for studying, eating, and ignoring booths of solicitors. But under the innocent mirage of a student center lies another sinister purpose: a prison.
Many have noticed the daily disturbance coming from a pianist at the center of the Wilk. What they might not know, is that this infamous pianist quite literally means it when he describes himself as a “tortured artist.” In a surprising twist, it was discovered earlier this week that the man seemingly starved for attention is actually chained to the instrument against his will. The heavy shackles that bind this pianist have apparently gone unnoticed for years. In captivity, he admits his music is more so a “cry for help.”
“I was just a kid,” he nervously uttered. “I didn’t even know what indentured servitude meant. It’s been years now. They come by once in a while to feed me and shave my face… I’ve said too much.”
He then quickly resumed to playing his cover of Adele’s “Someone Like You.” Upon further questioning, such as “What does that mean?”, “Who are they?”, and “Do you still really only know five songs?”, the pianist told the Alternate Universe he wished to remain unidentified for legality reasons.
The restraints were discovered by BYU student Kayla Baker, who the mediocre prisoner says was the first to ask him about his state.
“He seems to think the music will attract people,” said Baker. “I don’t know, it creeped me out and the Chick-fil-A line was short for once, so I just left him there. Hope he’s okay though!”
Campus police were called soon after. Police chief Chris Audrey says they were initially called by Wilkinson patrons to arrest the pianist for playing a rendition of the Star Wars theme five times in a row. But once police arrived on the scene, they discovered his condition.
“In all my years, this is one of the strangest things we’ve uncovered,” reported Chief Audrey. “We will update the public as the investigation continues, but you have my word: if it means he will stop playing, we will find a way to free this man.”
As we anxiously wait for more information, the public will continue to endure the music.