In an unexpected turn of events Elder Oaks, shocked the world and beat previously undefeated President Nelson in the Fantasy Football this past week. As a result of his sin, President Nelson immediately revoked Elder Oaks’ apostolic authority and gave him the ‘Tim Tebow’ of callings – Local Area Seventy.
This was an unsurprising decision by our Prophet because everyone knows the cardinal rule of being an apostle – DO NOT beat President Nelson in Fantasy Football.
“That’s the first thing they tell you when you get ordained as an apostle,” Elder Holland said regarding Elder Oaks’ uncharacteristic victory. “Right after the draft, I traded Derrick Henry, Davante Adams, and Travis Kelce to President Nelson for Colin Kaepernick just to be safe.”
President Nelson has not lost a matchup in Fantasy Football since he became Prophet in 2018. Before facing Elder Oaks, our beloved Prophet had just recently trounced Elder Cook, 164.3-0 after Cook claimed ‘he accidentally released all of his players’.
When President Nelson found out he lost to Elder Oaks by half a point, he allegedly went straight to Elder Oaks’ office. Once he got there, he verbally scalped him for multiple hours. Other general authorities claim to have heard the Prophet yell at the top of his lungs, “HOW IS CORDARRELLE PATTERSON A RUNNING BACK?”
The Quorum of the Twelve’s fantasy sports league has been a long-standing tradition since the days of Joseph Smith. Before football became popularized, the apostles created a fantasy league centered around stick-pull tournaments and not getting polio. As you can imagine, this iteration of apostles takes fantasy football very seriously.
“Fantasy Football is the only thing that gets me up on Sundays if I’m being completely honest,” Elder Uchtdorf said. “As a Jets fan, life can be hard. Not sneaking past German police hard, but difficult nonetheless. Focusing on fantasy football instead of my stupid plane-based team helps me enjoy my Sundays again.”
As with all things in life, there have to be some who do not choose the proper path. The Laman and Lemuel of this year’s fantasy football league are Elders Soares and Stevenson. Elder Soares no longer sets his lineup after he couldn’t find Messi or Ronaldo during the draft. Elder Stevenson picked Taysom Hill and Zach Wilson with his first two picks and currently sits at 0-5. He has already begun writing his next conference talk about humility based on his horribly selected team.
Elder Oaks was unavailable for comment as he is just a local area seventy now so nobody cares.