Recent reports from students and faculty alike allege that there is a vigilante figure cutting holes in the kneecaps of pants. Their identity and motives remain unknown. We interviewed Jason Peters, a recent victim, at a nearby Walmart.

“I had to stay home for a week when my only pants were cut, I felt so dirty showing my kneecaps in public,” says Jason Peters, a recent victim of the attacks. His pants were haphazardly wrapped in scotch tape and crinkled loudly like a wrapped package as he nervously rummaged through the bargain bin at Walmart, looking for a cheap pair of Levi’s.

When we asked Greg Thompson, the manager of the store if he had noticed anything suspect, he gave us a questioning look but replied: “No, not really. Business has been great recently. Pants sales went up 500% this week. Not sure why though.”

After reports of these attacks became more frequent, the Honor Code Office released a statement condemning the actions of the anonymous perpetrator. “Needless to say, we will start an investigation into this matter and identify whoever is responsible and take appropriate measures once we do.”

Soon after the announcement was released, the Honor Code Officer released an update:

“We announce with frustration that we will have to delay our investigation for a number of days. It appears that all the shirts of our employees have been mutilated into deep-cut tank tops. We appreciate your patience.”