My best pal is an ALPHA MALE. You know what that means? He is tough! *cue Home Depot music* He is a hunter! And he never takes no for an answer! Compared to him, all of the young adults of our church are full-on betas!
You know what I had to do when I went on Trek? We would catch wild turkeys ourselves, boil the feathers off, and call that supper! You wanna know what my daughter had on Trek? Fully catered meals! We, as the older and wiser generation, have failed our youth!
When I served my mission, the dress code was straightforward—white shirt, tie, nametag, pants, shoes. Now, however, the Elders have the option to skip the tie and wear a blue shirt. The blue is too soft. Missionaries are supposed to be as manly as possible, and they cannot do this without the stark white shirt and tie. And do not get me started on the sisters’ dress code! Back in my day, all the sister missionaries wore hose. How else are you supposed to represent Christ and honor our pioneer ancestors than by wearing hose in sweltering heat and humidity?
Words cannot express how disappointed I am in the future of this church. For this reason, I have put together a quick guide on how to be an alpha male:
- Take the word of wisdom as seriously as possible. Adopt the brick diet—eat nothing but bricks. Having bones and nails for breakfast is acceptable, but make sure it’s without any milk.
- Know that you’re the boss. Because you are a follower of Christ, you automatically know best. Drown out the incorrect opinions of others with the TRUTH.
- Only date men because they are far superior to women. Wait…
- Stop studying. Real men never study; they just always know the right answers.
- Use every opportunity available to go shirtless.
I guarantee that this is the best and the only correct way of following God.