As the Delta variant looms this upcoming semester, BYU had to call in the big guns to make sure we had a safe semester.

Just a day after BYU announced that masks will be required on campus, they announced that they will be instituting more crackdowns to control COVID-19 in the area. Every Tuesday on the way back from devotional, Elder Holland will greet every single student with a firm handshake. He will then search deep into your soul and discover if you are vaccinated. If you do not pass the test, you will be sent directly to the Wilkinson Center to receive a mandatory microchip-infused shot. 

As the legend goes, Elder Holland would visit missions across the world to evaluate the worthiness of the missionaries. His method of choice to determine worthiness was to shake the hand of each missionary and determine by the spirit if they are worthy to remain on the mission. If you do not pass the test, you are sent back to your apartment to back up your stuff and leave the mission.

Almost every returned missionary has heard these mythical stories but few have experienced the event first hand. Cory Ahore, a former missionary who served in the South African Durban Mission, was one of the many who Elder Holland sent home for unworthiness.

“When he shook my hand, I knew I was done,” the former leader of a missionary secret combination said. “He just looked me in the eyes as my black underwear became knotted in a bunch. There were no words spoken. He just let go of my hand and pointed at the door. There is no way the unvaccinated will get past Elder Holland.”

Although COVID-19 numbers and percentage vaccinated are relatively high, BYU administration wants to ensure that students are safe on campus. This news was mostly received positively by the general public.

“I’m so excited to shake Elder Holland’s again, “ former missionary Lehi Antinefi told the Alternate Universe. “I just hope he remembers that time four years ago when I said the opening prayer at zone conference. It was a great prayer so I’ll be so sad if he doesn’t.”

When we reached out to Elder Holland about the negative reaction to his role this semester. “I’m the hero Provo deserves, but not the one it needs right now. I can take it. Because I’m not their hero. I’m a silent guardian. A watchful protector. A Dark Knight.”

Although he may have stolen that quote from the Batman movie “The Dark Knight”, he is nevertheless the hero Provo needs.